Count Dracula: why I'm backing Reform
In his first public pronouncements for several centuries, COUNT DRACULA tells NIGEL FARAGE: 'As a blood-sucking parasite myself, I can obviously identify with you and the objectives of your party...'
NIGEL FARAGE: I’ve summoned you all to this Midnight emergency press conference to announce a further defection to Reform. A man of noble heritage, a mighty warrior, a great survivor, a national treasure, and — if I may say so — a very natty dresser, much like myself, has not only decided to join Reform, but will be standing for us in the Carfax constituency come the next General Election. If you could all give a few howls of applause, please, for Count Dracula.
NIGEL FARAGE: I’ve summoned you all to this Midnight emergency press conference to announce a further defection to Reform. A man of noble heritage, a mighty warrior, a great survivor, a national treasure, and — if I may say so — a very natty dresser, much like myself, has not only decided to join Reform, but will be standing for us in the Carfax constituency come the next General Election. If you could all give a few howls of applause, please, for Count Dracula.
COUNT DRACULA: Listen to them, the children of the night.
NIGEL FARAGE: Now, Count, might I ask why you have chosen to rise from your grave for us?
COUNT DRACULA: As a warrior, also a man who believes very much in satisfying my own needs, even if that might cause pain or even death to others, I was very attracted by your recent ‘bullets, not benefits; warfare, not welfare’ messaging. Also, as a second home owner — the Abbey at Carfax is, as you know, my holiday retreat as I am based at Castle Dracula in Transylvania, quite close to Brașov — I don’t care for the punitive community tax to which I am subjected. I mean Rachel Reeves puts blood suckers to shame. I am 460 years old and it has taken me a great deal of that time to get together the money to buy both Castle Dracula and Carfax Abbey and I am determined at all costs to hang on to both properties. I am also sick of women complaining about me — that I invade their personal space, their complaints about me lunging at them, holding, biting and triggering them and so forth — and I feel with your party we will go back to a more misogynistic, hopefully a generally more brutal time, which I think will be a good thing. I also don’t care for small boats — I came here myself, like a great many of your friends, on a very big one, the Demeter.
‘My slogan will be Bringing Britain Back From the Dead…’
NIGEL FARAGE: Well, that’s all very good to hear, Count, and you really are the sort of ordinary bloke that ordinary blokes, like me, would like to have a pint with, but is there anything in particular about my leadership that has drawn you to the party?
COUNT DRACULA: As a blood-sucking parasite myself, I can obviously identify with you, Nigel. You speak my language. You seem to have come from another, more sadistic, time, like me. I’ve noticed you have a tendency, too, to recoil from crucifixes, Bibles and churches and are generally a lot happier, as I am, operating under the cover of darkness, without too much scrutiny of your activities. Will that be all? I have to be getting back to my coffin before too long.
NIGEL FARAGE: Well, hold your hearses there for a moment there, Count. Would you care to tell us how will you be campaigning?
COUNT DRACULA: Only at night, obviously, accompanied by three wolves, two bats, a coffin and as many virgins as I can lay my hands on.
NIGEL FARAGE: Fair enough. And tell me, who do you see as your principal opponent in Carfax?
COUNT DRACULA: A Professor Van Helsing.
NIGEL FARAGE: A Professor indeed. I think we’ve all had enough of experts. And have you decided upon a slogan?
COUNT DRACULA: Bringing Britain Back From the Dead.
NIGEL: Thank you, and I am sure, Count, we will all, come the general election, be wishing you the very best of luck at the count, Count.